And then the threats began…

These troubled economic times have only increased the pressure that was unknowingly building during my three year absence. My manager informed me today of exactly how expendable I may become if my sales average does not increase. She then added that my film is great and my customer report is excellent, this is not personal. I could understand the pressure if only we received any amount of compensation for our efforts other than to be blessed with 15 miserable hours per week. Even if you do a substandard job you can usually get in 10 hours. I find myself asking exactly what my sense of self decency is worth, the fraud and manipulation I deal with everyday is more than I could have ever imagined at another studio. The community is disgusted, customers are furious, and I am embarrassed. To keep my job I must maintain an average of over $150 per order. It is time to leave this horrifying experience behind. Well, after I take advantage of the discounts, that is.

The end of good times are upon us…

Someone should check behind the couch because I have just realized two days are gone. I have looked in the pockets of all my jeans, beneath the papers piled high on the desk- I even searched all my favorite blogs, but no matter where I looked there only seemed to be more missing! Ah, that was not terribly cleaver or even remotely amusing but it did make me feel better. As did the few tasks I accomplished during my liaison in the time vacuum; ten dollars worth of laundry put neatly away, one showing of City of Ember thoroughly enjoyed {despite the overweight couple who got in free ‘cause their daughter worked there and laughed so hard they farted during Disney family film trailers. Oh, and did I mention they sat directly behind us in the empty theater and spent most of the film looking for treasure in their popcorn buckets, well- when they weren’t farting of course. I suppose that is a testament to the films quality because even after all that, I thought the film, not the experience, was wonderful}, caught up on all my favorite shows {True Blood is still the most incredible thing currently on television}, compiled a new reading list for next week! In between all these sweat breaking tasks I also managed to talk with a few friends, even hang out a bit. There are several people who have seemed to dropped from the loop when I was talking a few days to myself to, um, er- grieve the death of good times. I may be taking a very brief trip soon, probably not during the weekend and not with any hope of spending time with my friends.

Oh, Edward...

Twilight HD Exclusive Trailer


Revamped, and looking like something we may even enjoy now!

I think I have hit my limit…

Two years, three or more failed friendships, countless tragedies, three quarters of an index finger, and 13,000 dollars in student loans. I try to fain the composure this situation demands, to crawl from this pit. I am having a very difficult time. I know that I am on the cusp of a collapse because I cannot make plans, keep plans, enjoy plans and so on. I know what needs to be done, but all I find myself thinking is r-u-n! A recent encounter with a stranger under the influence has made me more afraid than ever of men, of being alone in the dark, of substances that leave me to deal with the unguarded intentions of others. I am tired of the habits I see around me, the drinking, the smoking… I want to feel safe. I want to feel independent and strong but mostly I want to feel loved. These are common desires, common thoughts and I wonder if they seem as far fetched to others. I think I need to go away. I want to go back to my friends, I need familiarity. I wish we never would have come here, I wish the last three years were no more than a very bad dream.

A letter written while away from home during a crisis...

Dearest David,

This dreadful set of circumstances has only increased in intensity in the last several hours. Beginning my journey with what appeared to be a pleasant train ride, that then turned postal- sexually aggressive and creepy. Chance, is clearly for gamblers more skilled and less attractive than I. Whether the source of my maladies is that I seem to have loose morals or am as scrumptious as a moist morsel to these male creatures- who could truly know. Blast my gorgeous being and accelerated ability to banter! Rawr. That was mere jest, my love. Do not believe sir, that I am so conceded.

My younger brother, Jacob, has clearly lost his mind. Reporting a claim that he had seen the Dark hooded Angel of Death above my Grandmother’s hospital bed! But do not fret friend, he exclaimed to the creature- “to go away! She is not ready!” All the while I sat unsuspecting by her bedside her hand cradled by my own. This is obviously a problem, a delusional brother makes claims of supernatural activity with oblivious witnesses, oh my! I am filled with rage at the source of such lies, my grandmother had been pouring ants into his ears as he slept. She had glued furniture to ceilings and made shadow puppets in the night. The loose ramblings of her troubled mind, she tossed and turned in her sleep- nightmares of her own invention. I am unable to feel sympathy, this started too long ago and remains too close. To suck the reason from someone already so detached- a crime. She has bolted shut the doors through which it would have came, set them with the cloaked guard of angels and demons. Catholicism strikes again, no wonder she was so afraid.


Speaking in bright tones of lighter things, Victor appears well. He has acquired many a tales of thievery and scandal in his new occupation. Irritating him most are those window shoppers, all empty pockets and longing glances. “How they ask to see object after object and never buy a thing,” he says- utterly wasting his time. The nerve! “Welcome to retail,” I sing in between bites of crisp tofu. His eyes have looked so tired since the surgery, it clenches my throat and tightens my stomach to think about it. Never unto now has he ever smelled so much like an aging man, I silently sigh. We jest, mocking each others hobbies and eating habits. The former tightness is but a flutter now as my heart rests to the beat of home. If this meeting were a poem it would be entitled, Father on a Day.

To be continued…

One night of debauchery is far too many…

… if only my shift had not been changed, then I would have went straight home from the theatre. Rather I went to the Montage, drank too much {which I never, ever do}, played drunk deviant bingo and learned a little too much through a very foggy haze. Highlights not to be mentioned, I did see Harold and Maude for the first time. Hard to believe I had not already seen the film, instantly I fell in love! ‘Trouble’ for instance, is one of my all time favorite songs- ever. How unlikely that I was unaware of its use in this film. I have already queued it on Netflix so that David can also see it. Speaking of, we are planning art collaborations for the future and I am very excited to see where these projects lead us. Well, now for rest after a dreadful day of work + hangover.

Google phrases for the swelling of hearts…

… the book and the girl, le livre et la fille. Stories, too many to completely grasp. Too many to understand in whole. That is what I do this for, as something so small can be so beautiful and so fleeting. What do you do to spark the imagination? I like assigning fictional characteristics that are outlandish and false to everyday things, simple for an exaggerator such as myself. I like watching people too closely, visibly seeing mannerisms before obvious physical attributes. Cataloging the sound of a strangers voice and making them repeat phrases in my mind. This is why I prefer leering to interaction {probably}. This is why I prefer books to people {unfortunately}. Well, as sex with an actual person is costly- fanaticizing is free and rarely disappointing, oui?


Speaking of fantasizing, saw the Whomping Willows and the Remus Lupins this last week! It was fantastic, although I did prefer the adult venue to the local library lawn if for nothing more than the set lists. Matt was brilliant as always, I think that he is slowly climbing my top ten for wizard rockers. This was my first Alex Carpenter performance- he is kind of dreamy. We hit two shows at two separate libraries at opposite ends of Portland. It was so thrilling to embrace my inner nerd that thoroughly in one day, I want to do that more often. A mere sample of the joy to come once LeakyCon is finally upon us- glee!


I am happy to report that the urgent desire to finish of the Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter Series like some loathed rim job has finally receded. Three-quarters of the way through Incubus Dreams and I was finally able to throw in the towel. Guilty Pleasures, Blue Moon, and perhaps one more may keep residence in my permanent collection but the rest are on their way to Powell’s in a hurry. I am currently returning my attentions to the Gargoyle by Andrew Davidson, a novel that is both bizarre and highly recommended by Neil Gaiman {just the way I like them}. After a great deal of pestering from David, my next read will be Rant by Chuck Palahniuk, followed no doubt by some teenage vampire smut. I try to keep it to a minimum but beyond that, I really couldn’t deprive myself of such sweet, fleeting literary candy {yum}.