This is a long move for someone with too much to think about…

Packing is always tedious, in fact today I mostly threw things into donation or keep piles. Two station wagon loads later I was feeling satisfied despite the hours of work yet to come. Tonight I will work as late as I can- the same will likely go for tomorrow as well, until this job is done and I find myself in a host worthy dwelling. I have made a few deals to help facilitate my winter of work, quitting one of my many jobs after Christmas is one of them. Finally doing hair is another and farthest away- enrolling in real college once we have David on track. All I want to do now that I have taken this break is read dirty, dirty fanfic. Damn it.

Victory!

I will never forget this moment, this feeling of relief and hope for the rest of my life. Thank you America, and thank you- President Obama.

A long awaited visit from Chan…

I probably wouldn’t have remembered at all, rolling over and drifting back to sleep but Bijou was pawing at the already open blinds. Strange, he doesn’t usually do that. so I took it that perhaps he wanted to see out the living room window. Stumbling, eyes not even open I made it clumsily to the front window but he isn’t there now, he is here, underfoot and staring at me. I was in her apt, not the place I knew but somewhere different- different like she would be now. There was silence, there were those heavy, overflowing moments that sent the air trembling with anxiety. It was harsh at times, it was trying and it was pleasant. I think that is why I am so shaken now, if you were to talk to someone after a long understood absence it would be both awkward and familiar, as my dream was.

People have asked me why I haven’t attempted to contact her since my colossal public overreaction to her exercise of personal choice that made me feel like we were miles apart, which was truly frightening to me- the reason is that I know that if she were to turn down my attempts to reconnect I would not come back from that unbroken. It has taken me so long to get to this point and even now I get overwhelmed, I falter. I haven’t really made new friends in a very long time, not after Lily especially. I am physically removed from the environment that broke my heart almost two years ago and still I am fearful.

Finding a solution to the friend situation is still slow coming, even my last therapist dumped me over this broken record of fear and longing. Yeah, it is really that bad. Sometimes I even hide from the friends I still have for days, weeks, even months depending on proximity. I know that I should take chances, be bold and then just try my best but now when the going gets tough I get awkward. I need to understand that the old friends aren’t coming back and the new friends aren’t going to ever meet the girl who stays home all the time with her nose in a book.

As for the dream, I was taking refuge in her home for some reason that I can no longer recall and we were together in ultra aware silence looking at each other expectantly. Her eyes filled with thought, until finally she spoke but to me it sounded like laughter as she smiled wide. We spoke of nothing in particular, those loaded sentiments that grew heavy on the ends until we disagreed about what kind of underwear cut was more comfortable and/or flattering as she removed the tags from her recently purchased items. It was building, this confrontation, waiting to be born until finally it came- leaving just as hurriedly. We continued this way for quite sometime until the animosity retreated, the air thinned and I felt this worry roll away from me like a tide. I was taken, unexpectedly- though as naturally as anything in this world.

Note: Bijou, is just exhibiting symptoms of feline behavior apparently, finding none of my attempts to please him even remotely satisfying. What a dick.