Half-Blood Prince...

Social uprising…

Last night we spent a little over four hours at Raishawn’s playing the Great Dalmuti, it was pretty awesome. It is strange how differently people react to situations, for instance, Raishawn had a bad time because she did not play well and subsequently tried to make everyone else have a bad time. David and I were of course unaffected by these attempts as we are of a more antagonistic breed. We laughed, taunting, pleading- it was a little thrilling to be honest, a little like topping from the bottom. Eventually David and I were just threatening to make out with people of the same sex. Oh, David is totally the best partner in crime ever- Makeout Chicken! Then I said horrible things about smoking being a compulsion akin to childhood fisting, then everyone was like, “wow” and left the room.


The next day I felt dried out from all the secondhand smoke and tired from the late night. Work wasn’t as bad as it could have been, for which I am thankful. It also seems a third interview is in order for the hotel position I had applied for, exciting. Which reminds me, Robin and I saw Battle in Seattle at the pub theatre near my house and it was surprisingly valid. I had been outraged, skeptical at best- but I cried through most of the film and felt as though many of the dilemmas that had incited the protest were represented. I recommend this film, like a lot.

Apathy does not become me…

It is getting closer, the music pumping through amplifiers from way off nowhere has the volume up and the lights have dimmed. Glow in the dark ink is still running down my right wrist, from the oversaturated stamp for 21+. In the heat of this place I know I should have left my coat in the car, that the sweater dress I wore because it was already dirty- is too much. Once the opener is out, I lean against crowded seats for a better look. Small figure with swift fingers and oversized instruments. I wish I would have checked out the other bands, I find it hard to get into something so publicly. It waxes sentimental, all sleepy and sweet. I want to say no, I want to let go of all things heartfelt and ethereal. The longer this set lasts the less willing to hug I will be. I suppose that this is where I am now- angry, itching for isolation and hungry for junk food. I find connecting difficult, I find breathing labored, I spent a month in my tiny apartment trying to find my humanity only to emerge feeling no different. Making friends is hard but keeping them is sometimes worse.

When this endless, oozing set finally ends I am on the main floor- past everyone but for the first two rows. I am excited to see things clearly, the small figure looks fantastic in tight jeans and doesn’t wear make-up. The people surrounding me now are silent, chins raised upward and too hip to wear deodorant. Their reeking pits saturate the air, I am driving to the Gorge behind an overdue onion truck in the heat of summer. I wish it weren’t so humid because then this smell wouldn’t coat my tongue. The band I came for finally arrives on stage, I wish David were beside me- I enjoy everything more if I can see the expressions of those I love around me. I am suddenly five years old and just want my best friend to hold my hand and swear allegiance to only me. They play a few songs I really like, I drift, people watching. I see things that make me sad, make me want to diet and be nicer. I see things that shouldn’t be seen, things that burst hearts with loneliness. It is a good time, but I am tired. They are great but not my favorite band, I could have wanted more.

And then the threats began…

These troubled economic times have only increased the pressure that was unknowingly building during my three year absence. My manager informed me today of exactly how expendable I may become if my sales average does not increase. She then added that my film is great and my customer report is excellent, this is not personal. I could understand the pressure if only we received any amount of compensation for our efforts other than to be blessed with 15 miserable hours per week. Even if you do a substandard job you can usually get in 10 hours. I find myself asking exactly what my sense of self decency is worth, the fraud and manipulation I deal with everyday is more than I could have ever imagined at another studio. The community is disgusted, customers are furious, and I am embarrassed. To keep my job I must maintain an average of over $150 per order. It is time to leave this horrifying experience behind. Well, after I take advantage of the discounts, that is.

The end of good times are upon us…

Someone should check behind the couch because I have just realized two days are gone. I have looked in the pockets of all my jeans, beneath the papers piled high on the desk- I even searched all my favorite blogs, but no matter where I looked there only seemed to be more missing! Ah, that was not terribly cleaver or even remotely amusing but it did make me feel better. As did the few tasks I accomplished during my liaison in the time vacuum; ten dollars worth of laundry put neatly away, one showing of City of Ember thoroughly enjoyed {despite the overweight couple who got in free ‘cause their daughter worked there and laughed so hard they farted during Disney family film trailers. Oh, and did I mention they sat directly behind us in the empty theater and spent most of the film looking for treasure in their popcorn buckets, well- when they weren’t farting of course. I suppose that is a testament to the films quality because even after all that, I thought the film, not the experience, was wonderful}, caught up on all my favorite shows {True Blood is still the most incredible thing currently on television}, compiled a new reading list for next week! In between all these sweat breaking tasks I also managed to talk with a few friends, even hang out a bit. There are several people who have seemed to dropped from the loop when I was talking a few days to myself to, um, er- grieve the death of good times. I may be taking a very brief trip soon, probably not during the weekend and not with any hope of spending time with my friends.

Oh, Edward...

Twilight HD Exclusive Trailer


Revamped, and looking like something we may even enjoy now!

I think I have hit my limit…

Two years, three or more failed friendships, countless tragedies, three quarters of an index finger, and 13,000 dollars in student loans. I try to fain the composure this situation demands, to crawl from this pit. I am having a very difficult time. I know that I am on the cusp of a collapse because I cannot make plans, keep plans, enjoy plans and so on. I know what needs to be done, but all I find myself thinking is r-u-n! A recent encounter with a stranger under the influence has made me more afraid than ever of men, of being alone in the dark, of substances that leave me to deal with the unguarded intentions of others. I am tired of the habits I see around me, the drinking, the smoking… I want to feel safe. I want to feel independent and strong but mostly I want to feel loved. These are common desires, common thoughts and I wonder if they seem as far fetched to others. I think I need to go away. I want to go back to my friends, I need familiarity. I wish we never would have come here, I wish the last three years were no more than a very bad dream.