Apathy does not become me…

It is getting closer, the music pumping through amplifiers from way off nowhere has the volume up and the lights have dimmed. Glow in the dark ink is still running down my right wrist, from the oversaturated stamp for 21+. In the heat of this place I know I should have left my coat in the car, that the sweater dress I wore because it was already dirty- is too much. Once the opener is out, I lean against crowded seats for a better look. Small figure with swift fingers and oversized instruments. I wish I would have checked out the other bands, I find it hard to get into something so publicly. It waxes sentimental, all sleepy and sweet. I want to say no, I want to let go of all things heartfelt and ethereal. The longer this set lasts the less willing to hug I will be. I suppose that this is where I am now- angry, itching for isolation and hungry for junk food. I find connecting difficult, I find breathing labored, I spent a month in my tiny apartment trying to find my humanity only to emerge feeling no different. Making friends is hard but keeping them is sometimes worse.

When this endless, oozing set finally ends I am on the main floor- past everyone but for the first two rows. I am excited to see things clearly, the small figure looks fantastic in tight jeans and doesn’t wear make-up. The people surrounding me now are silent, chins raised upward and too hip to wear deodorant. Their reeking pits saturate the air, I am driving to the Gorge behind an overdue onion truck in the heat of summer. I wish it weren’t so humid because then this smell wouldn’t coat my tongue. The band I came for finally arrives on stage, I wish David were beside me- I enjoy everything more if I can see the expressions of those I love around me. I am suddenly five years old and just want my best friend to hold my hand and swear allegiance to only me. They play a few songs I really like, I drift, people watching. I see things that make me sad, make me want to diet and be nicer. I see things that shouldn’t be seen, things that burst hearts with loneliness. It is a good time, but I am tired. They are great but not my favorite band, I could have wanted more.