I think I have hit my limit…

Two years, three or more failed friendships, countless tragedies, three quarters of an index finger, and 13,000 dollars in student loans. I try to fain the composure this situation demands, to crawl from this pit. I am having a very difficult time. I know that I am on the cusp of a collapse because I cannot make plans, keep plans, enjoy plans and so on. I know what needs to be done, but all I find myself thinking is r-u-n! A recent encounter with a stranger under the influence has made me more afraid than ever of men, of being alone in the dark, of substances that leave me to deal with the unguarded intentions of others. I am tired of the habits I see around me, the drinking, the smoking… I want to feel safe. I want to feel independent and strong but mostly I want to feel loved. These are common desires, common thoughts and I wonder if they seem as far fetched to others. I think I need to go away. I want to go back to my friends, I need familiarity. I wish we never would have come here, I wish the last three years were no more than a very bad dream.